Light Me Up (like you used to)
by Nezkov Sou
Summary: "It's alright, Ace. I'll be alright. I'll live on. I'll be stronger for captain, and for you." The cigarette burned off and he lit another one.


**Light Me Up (like you used to)**

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><p>The first time Sanji locked eyes with Luffy's brother, a tiny spark lit up inside his chest and Sanji couldn't put away the tingling sensation on his skin or the desire to catch gazes with the older man. Dark wavy hair, half-lidded eyes, and a charming curve of the lips that tugged Sanji's heartstring.<p>

Luffy introduced his brother: the famous 2nd commander of the Whitebeard Pirates. Despite the unpleasant stories of ruthlessness and blood, Sanji wanted to know more about this man and when it was decided Luffy's brother would tag along for a while through Alabasta, Sanji shuddered from the heat between his legs.

The first night of their journey together, Sanji was cleaning the kitchen after their usual party. His hands worked with the dishcloth but his mind had wandered off to the half-lidded eyes of the older man. Pointed nose among freckles, sharp cheekbones, strong jaw, perfect lips that would press up against his and whisper words he'd never hear. Sanji caught himself just when the kitchen door opened and the man of his dream strode in.

"Am I intruding?" he asked with a sheepish grin.

Sanji shook his head, unable to form words in his dry mouth. He turned his back and resumed his chore, forcing himself not to think about the chiseled abdomen and muscular arms.

"Are you feeling unwell?" his smooth voice asked.

Heat coiled in his stomach again and Sanji shook his head, whispering, "I'm fine." He scrubbed the dish dry, stacked them on the rack, and slapped the cloth onto the empty sink. "Did you need something?"

"Nothing, really," the older man walked up behind Sanji and Sanji could feel the heat crawling onto his skin and his chest tightened in false anticipation. "But I noticed the way you've been glancing at me all day and I'm a tad bit concerned."

"No, you don't have to–" Sanji turned around and stopped breathing at the smile. The older man was mere inches away from him and Sanji fought the urge to touch that inviting chest.

"See?" the man whispered and caressed Sanji's cheek. "I don't know you very well but you're acting strange."

"I'm not . . ." Sanji muttered, leaning into the warm hand. Large, calloused, and strong. His gaze darted to the half-lidded eyes, and drifted down to the slightly chapped lips. "All these years, I've made myself to only look at girls. But now, I see you."

The man chuckled, "I'm sorry but I couldn't look away from your eyes. They remind me of the sky and the sea. The color of freedom. All Blue."

Sanji started, watching the man's smile crinkling the corner of his eyes. "Do you know about All Blue? Have you seen it?"

"I've heard about it, never seen it." He took a step closer, almost pressing their bodies together, "Shall we look for it together?"

Sanji swallowed. A knee rubbed against his inner thighs and a jolt coursed through his body. He had told himself that he'd never touch a man, never open his heart but now he ran his slim fingers through the dark hair and slid their legs together. He accepted the kiss, tasting liquor on their tongues. With a swift grab and turn, Sanji had his back flat on the table, gazing up at the warm eyes. Each touch sent electric sparks and each whispered word made him shudder. Naked limbs tangled, eager to feel every inch of their perfectly connected bodies. Although the night was cold, heat enveloped them into one.

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><p>"I hope we didn't wake anyone up," Sanji muttered as he tugged the blanket around him. The man next to him chuckled. Sanji leaned his head on the strong shoulder and felt the man rest on him. "Have you done this with others?" Sanji kept his eyes closed.<p>

The man hummed.

They sat on the kitchen floor in silence, listening to the rhythmic waves washing up against the ship. After a few minutes, Sanji sat up and reached for his rumpled clothes across from them. He rummaged through the pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Are you sulking?" the man reached out and played with Sanji's golden locks.

"No," Sanji placed a cigarette between his lips and fumbled for a match box.

"Come here," the older man tugged Sanji to his broad chest. "I wanted to hold you."

Sanji sighed to himself. He shifted around, straddling the older man with his long legs. "You . . ." Sanji muttered, "You better not tell anyone about this."

The man smiled and kissed the end of the cigarette. "I'll keep our little secret."

Sanji drew in and wrapped his arms around the man. Smoke escaped his lips. "Good. I like it that way."

Luffy was unfazed when his brother left the ship to continue on his journey. Sanji kept his eyes on the man as he sped off until he was lost in the horizon. Every night of their journey together, they had held each other and not getting a vivre card left a bitter taste in Sanji's mouth.

A piece of paper wouldn't do anything but Sanji wanted something to show that the man was somewhere in the seas, and a reminder that all the nights they spent together were not merely a fleeting dream. But the promise of meeting again left a smile on Sanji's lips.

Before leaving Thriller Bark, Sanji overheard Lola's gasp at Luffy's vivre card. The bitter taste almost choked Sanji and when he hid in the safe haven of his kitchen, he ran his hands on the smooth surface of the new table. He walked around with an unlit cigarette on his lips, glancing at the counters and floors, not finding the marks and signs of their nights and he remembered everything going up in flames as he watched Merry drown to the bottom of the sea that shared the same color as his eyes.

He lit his cigarette, breathed in and whispered the man's name.

"I miss you."

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><p>Sanji ran, fought, and bled. Luffy's scream was the last word he heard before a sharp pain struck him and he saw the sky. Three days later, he landed on the island of hell. An island that reminded him of his submissive secret and the night Luffy's brother questioned his sexuality.<p>

Sanji swore to escape the island and return to his crew but when the news of Marineford came, he broke down screaming and crying, scaring the women of the island. He kicked and punched everything around him, not caring of his wounds. The heat in his chest burned his insides, suffocating him, dragging him down into the dark seas of loss and despair, starving him of affection and warmth.

His broken body leaned against a rock wall; an unlit cigarette hung loose between his lips. He pulled out the match box and struck one. Yellow flame flickered, casting a glow in his dead eyes. The flame crawled over the match stick and burned his fingers. Sanji flicked the blackened match away and directed his gaze upwards.

"Why?" he whispered, "You promised we'd meet again. You promised you'd hold me again. What about our secret? What about me?"

Tears rolled down his cheeks and Sanji let the cigarette slip to the ground. He curled into himself, wrapping thin arms around his lonely body and sobbed.

"Please. Please, please Ace."

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><p>Talking to Ivankov made Sanji realize that his captain was hurting the most. Even after losing his entire crew and his older brother, Sanji's captain held on, stayed strong, and moved forward. Sanji thumbed the photo of his captain, remembering Ace's dark hair slipping away from his fingers. Tears pricked his eyes again and Ivankov asked if he was alright. Sanji rubbed his eyes.<p>

"I'm okay. I'll be okay." He pressed the newspaper to his chest, crushing it in his grip.

Ivankov left the room, saying that the training would start soon. Sanji stood in the center of the room alone. He stared at the matchbox in his hand, fumbled for a stick and struck a fire. The flame danced in his eyes.

Slowly, Sanji brought it to the end of his cigarette, burning the first layer of paper. Nicotine smoke rushed into his body and Sanji lavished in the taste of Ace's lips on his, the comfort of his arms, and the heat in his abdomen. Sanji chuckled as a tear escaped his eye and his legs crumpled under him.

Ace was gone but his existence remained with Sanji. His heart ached at the memories of the charming smile, the gentle words, and the promise to meet again.

Sanji blew a cloud of smoke. He glanced at the newspaper again and forced himself to smile through his cigarette.

"It's alright, Ace. I'll be alright. I'll live on. I'll be stronger for captain, and for you."

The cigarette burned off and he lit another one.

And another.

And another.


End file.
